I really don’t understand people. All I wanted was to be supportive & be there for you. You told me you were hoping I’d come by, but now my allergies are going to be a problem? It’s never been a problem before, guess this means I can’t come over ever again because allergies are a part of my life & I guess you don’t need comforting…or at least from me. It was stupid of me to think you’d want comfort from me. Lol sometimes I think too highly of myself.
I have no idea how you normal, non obsessive people can be in trusting relationships. How can you accept and believe when shit just doesn’t add up? I really feel like I’m losing my mind here. I don’t know what’s real. I want to trust, I want to not have to worry about what that message was really about. They never come off as a regular conversation between friends but then again… maybe I just read too much into everything. How do I know? Am I just going to have to suffer in this cloud of questions? Drinking isn’t even enough any more, I used to be able to block it out with drinking, but it’s been building for so long that now it just lingers. It’s even there when I sleep. Perhaps I’m just not the type of person to be in a relationship with. People need privacy and they don’t want to have to explain themselves all the time but I’m going to drown in this. The longer I have to wonder the longer I start to hate myself again. I wish I were dead. Dead people don’t have to worry about trust.
I found this very inspiring..
For every positively fabulous thing that humans have ever done on this earth throughout history, there has always been – and will most certainly always be – an equally disastrous counterpart.
Cure the common cold. Atom bomb.
Invent the plane. Crash it into a building.
Build up intricate, complex methods of communication. Tlk lyk dis.
Hamlet. The Secret.
Friends. Jersey Shore.
You get the idea.
However, one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is this long standing, natural human proclivity to procrastinate.
The story of “someday.”
Growing up, my parents had a philosophy that they themselves lived by puritanically. It’s not one, I don’t think, that they intentionally desired to imbue me with; but nevertheless, it was a way of thought that rubbed off on me. Kinda like a mosquito bug infects an unsuspecting traveller with malaria.
They taught me, through their actions that the day tomorrow…
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I know family is supposed to support and be there for one another, but at what point do you get to say “fuck it”? At what point do you get to say “hey, if you’re not going to try and do anything with your life, why should I keep giving you a free ride”?
Is it wrong to give up on someone who refuses to try and do for themselves?
I don’t…actively tell people that I have a brother. If they see him and ask or if siblings come up I answer, but I don’t volunteer it. He just doesn’t come up in conversations any more. I don’t have anything proud to say any more, no reason to mention him.
It’s hard because I miss the person he used to be. I miss having someone who got all of my jokes and watched tv late at night with me. I lost a friend. Now I hardly see him. When I do I find myself not wanting to talk to him really. He always wants something but doesn’t want to get a job or even just help out when you need him, he didn’t finish high school, doesn’t have a license or even learners permit, hell you can barely get him to feed his dog.
So since he has pretty much given up on himself, do I get to give up and stop worrying about it?
…don’t put you hands in the pockets.
Well I actually I was putting the string on the keys back in there. When they fell out again the receipt did too. I hate RaceTrac.
Now I know why it took so long for you to answer my texts when I was on break. You wanted to meet later because you spent the day with her and you needed more time with her. You weren’t giving me more time, bullshit.
I think it’s fitting that she works there, I get the impression that things with her run fast and free like on a race track. I just get a bad taste in my mouth. I really wish she’d make new friends.
I know I should’ve held it in better, but it just slipped through the cracks. I should’ve gotten a better grip, I knew it was going to happen, she’ll never go away and I should have control over showing emotion.